BPD very bad

Borderline Personality Disorder is Hell.  It really is.

Take today, I've been physically removed from the road in front of speeding traffic by a good Samaritan because I was in some kind of depersonalisation fugue, I've almost fallen down several escalators, I feel high but not in a good way and I've done so much self harm that my left arm looks like it's been in a garbage disposal unit.

Why is this happening now?

I could blame the Cambridge thing, or course, particularly the way Astra-Z continue to refuse to confirm or deny that we're a. going and b. when we're going IF we're going at all.

Uncertainty and instability are generally very bad things when you have BPD.

Nobody really understands BPD well enough to make that sort of causal link though.

It's actually much more distressing for my family than it is for me.  If I nod off in front of a tram again like the other day, and nobody is around, I'll just get killed and my problems will be over.

Trouble is, the affordable and/or free provision for BPD families is shit, with a 16-week waiting list and the private stuff comes in at £50/hr, well out of our reach.

Yesterday I spent the day with my head under the covers or in the bath room cutting myself, I've gone through over a hundred wound dressings in two weeks and the ones I have on desperately need changing as I can smell the yuckiness all the time and they itch like crazy.  I've graduated from simple pumice abrasions to knives, razors and hot irons too. A worrying development. :/

trouble is, I would cheerfully do that every day but I'm shit-scared of losing my job again.  I don't feel like I can go to the disability support people here as that was the start of the downward spiral last time that saw me booted out, an unfair dismissal I didn't have the emotional or financial resources to challenge and still don't.

the crisis access team at my local hospital are all very well but BPD isn't really druggable like common-or-garden depression and there's little they can actually do when I'm in acute crisis like now.