After the threat of social services intervention was lifted yesterday, I am only now succumbing to the after effects of my betrayal by the Stepping Hill Home Treatment Team.

I can't remember when my mood was as low as it is now, everything is a a colossal effort and it feels as though I'm embedded in an invisible viscous tarry substance that makes even getting out of bed for a pee feel like weight-lifting.

This entry is unlikely to be very long because of this.

My self harm has accelerated dramatically.  I've inflicted seven deep wounds so far today.  The compulsion is so strong I can't resist it, it's like watching a movie of someone else hurting themselves, except that I feel the pain.  I'm so out of body today.  I just wish I could sleep but I'm so tolerant to benzodiazepines now that 20 mg Valium doesn't even slow me down.

I'm supposed to be seeing my GP and discussing my progress with weaning myself of Valium tomorrow but the last few days have undone all the good work I'd done over the preceding 3 weeks.

Work is utter hell and I can't face it.  Nothing works.  I spend weeks and months trying to model stuff or analyse data only to be left with very little of substance.  I can't concentrate.

I know I'm going to have to take some serious time off soon but I also know that it's the top of a very slippery downward slope.

I wish i had a real friend who could help me out but i seem to have lost all of mine.