Pain, sleep and bad bad dreams

Drug dependence is very odd.  It creeps up on you and before you know it you are addicted to multiple prescription medications without even realising that it's happening.

In my case I'm struggling with Valium, Venlafaxine and Tramadol, mainly, although I have to admit that Kalms have become a problem for me too.  If you look up Kalms, they contain Valerian root extract which is supposed to be non-addicting but if that were true, I wouldn't need a handful each night just to conk out, would I?  Valerian extract is also associated with cardiac arrythmias, which might explain the palpitations, dizziness, racing heart beat and fainting.

Added to the nightly Quetiapine dosing, they are turning me into a zombie.  I also have terrible, frightening dreams and I feel sick and dizzy and sedated almost all the time.

I can't rule out the possibility that taking dozens of Kalms tablets is related to self harm, but I think it would definitely be described as para-suicidal behaviour.

It's been very stressful lately.  Paying out for would dressings has effectively landed me in the poor-house, not that it took much of a shove when you compare my take-home salary with my liabilities.   I've started really hurting myself again.  There's a couple of pretty bad wounds that I "service" every day, by which I mean I deepen them or make them more severe.  This is extremely painful but gives me some relief from my inner fears and pains but in the long run are like white flags of surrender.

As the "fact-finding trip" to Cambridge draws closer and closer I find myself getting more and more divergent in my behaviour.  I care less and less about things going on around me, I just find myself wishing I was alone so I could fuck myself up some more.

I'm dreading the trip the most because it might be the point at which the kids get invested in the whole relocation thing and that would leave me alone in opposition and fear.

Is it wrong of me to hope that
a. I die before the move (working on it)
and/or
b. the children hate it there so much that my wife actually listens to us and kicks AZ to the kerb?

If we do have to move this summer it's going to be a hell of a mountain to climb to get the house and garden sorted.  the loft alone could take days and many trips to the tip, and as for the garden, the badgers seem to have gone but it still looks like Vimy Ridge with shrubs out there.  Better get the big spade out then.  The leaking, rotten garden shed should be a particular laugh as its chock full of stuff that used to be in the garage (now the kids play room).  several room need re-decorationg and i have to do my least favourite ever job, re-grouting the bathroom.  Ugh.